Waterworld

So the recent weather here in Madison has been utterly miserable this past week. Rain and heat and humidity and more rain. What would you say is the worst part of all this undesirable weather? Puddles, maybe? Or muddy sidewalks? Maybe its the chilling pellets of water hitting your bare skin? My opinion... The Umbrella. Yes. the umbrella is, without question, the worst creation by humanity for these watery conditions.

The personal, hand-held, mobile, temporary shelter barely accomplishes its main objective of keeping its carrier dry from falling rain. It adequately protects users from rain falling perpendicular to the ground. That is where it ends for the nylon canopy.

Immediately rendered useless with the addition of wind to this equation. I have yet to see and umbrella that keeps people dry when there is wind. Not once.

In addition, when the velocity of the wind is a touch greater we can be audience to some of the funniest scenes of everyday life. The wind blows from behind and catches the underside of the umbrella and is abruptly inverted. Adding to the humility is the awesome display that occurs when the carrier is towed away and helpless for the duration of the gust. Leaving the consumer to engineer any way to correct the curvature.

When conditions are perfect for the use of the rain umbrella it is quite effective if using it unaccompanied. Introduce a companion and what happens? The rain from one of the two's umbrella is stopped, diverted outward, and sails onto the other. Completely defeating the initial purpose. Holding two separate umbrellas should be as driven into our heads as don't throw pens or pencils or you'll get your eye poked out. The eight (at least) spokes , attached to an always shaky arm is at the mercy of the gusts, ready at any moment to spear and maim the eyes.

So why bother to open an umbrella in the event of a rain storm? A little rain never hurt anybody . . . "but a lot will kill you" (apologies for the Jumanji quote). But seriously, wear a coat or something with a hood to protect your head and spare your comrades from the added negative externalities (I took economics) associated with this rain shielding device. I am no expert nor have I found any data that supports this claim but the invention of the umbrella could be just as detrimental to society as second-hand smoke.

After using the umbrella for only a handful of times in the second half of my life and once this past week has only reasserted the uselessness of the umbrella.

Until next time, I'll be that guy soaked from head to toe...


rain cloud